After about 15 years in development hell, an A-TEAM movie finally hits screens this Friday. Having gone through the hands of just about every writer in Tinseltown and more than a few directors, the execs at Fox finally found whatever it was they were looking for to give this incarnation a green light. And considering other green lit Fox projects of the past few years (WOLVERINE, HITMAN, DRAGONBALL EVOLUTION, MAX PAYNE), take that for what you will.

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Where do I begin? Well, to preface my review, I must admit that I am a longtime Elm Street lover and a pretty big fan of the entire series. Sure, I know the sequels aren’t great, but I truly believe the first film is a masterpiece of the genre and Part 3: Dream Warriors, Part 4: Dream Master and Wes Craven’s New Nightmare have their merits. Heck, I even enjoy Freddy Vs. Jason for what it is. Still, I’ve always wondered what might happen if the series were to return to its roots, less of the game show host Freddy and more of the dark, mysterious, demonic boogeyman that had audiences of the edge of their seats in 1984.

I was understandably skeptical of the inconsistent Platinum Dunes’ involvement, but I liked their original Texas Chainsaw and thought last year’s Friday the 13th was, at the very least, silly good fun. I was extremely impressed by the casting of Jackie Earle Haley. He was my choice in a Bloody-Disgusting article a while back and seemed like a natural for the part. The script wasn’t bad and the rest of the cast seemed generally solid. Samuel Bayer’s music videos have always had inventive visuals, which would at the very least make for some eye-popping dream sequences.

As I sat in the darkening theater at last night’s screening, eager with anticipation and careful to avoid early reviews or the reactions of fellow critics, I returned to the giddy little boy of years past, popcorn and Wild Cherry Icee in hand ready for a good time at the movies. I tried and tried to go with the images that were unraveling before my eyes. I tried to ignore the terrible opening, the lack of character development or the undeniable fact that Jackie Earle Haley just isn’t that frightening as Freddy. I tried to like something, anything, about this new Nightmare. But as the credits rolled, I only sat in my seat in a bit of a daze, trying to come to terms with the fact that 2010’s Nightmare isn’t just flawed, but without any merit whatsoever, amongst the worst of Platinum Dunes’ cinematic abortions (Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning, Amityville Horror) and as bad, if not worse, than the truly terrible Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge and part six, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.

The film opens with all the subtlety of a frying pan to the face. Where the original slowly and effectively built to Freddy’s first on-screen kill, the classic and unforgettable death of Tina (Amanda Wyss), blood is shed only moments into Nightmare 2010. In the original, the characters and audience alike sweated through the subtle reveals, learning little by little just what atrocities Krueger was capable of unleashing on his victims in the helplessness of sleep. Here, one scene in, you know Freddy can kill you if you sleep. Characters have already stopped sleeping and Freddy is picking off victims at a breakneck pace. Character development? Nah, we’ll pass. Here’s a bunch of sleep-deprived kids wearing dark clothing and looking like drug addicts. Mr. Krueger, here’s your buffet. Enjoy!

Samuel Bayer should go back to music videos and never look back. With few exceptions, the visuals aren’t terribly impressive and far less compelling than the original film, shot 25 years ago with the budget that this new film probably spent on Craft Services. The pacing is a mess, the acting is wooden and any sense of drama or character dimensionality is noticeably absent. Instead of the goodie two shoes Nancy Heather Langenkamp perfected, we get Rooney Mara’s brooding Nancy, an outsider who sits in her room listening to her iPod and staring into space or painting pictures that belong on the covers of ’80s heavy metal albums. How do you know Quentin (Kyle Gallner in the Johnny Depp role) is troubled and dark? By his Joy Division t-shirt, of course.

And Jackie Earle Haley? Well, he tries. Many of the reasons Freddy isn’t so scary this time around aren’t really his fault. First, he’s in the light almost from the beginning. While Dunes was ridiculously careful to avoid revealing Krueger’s new look prior to release, in the actual movie he’s practically in a spotlight from his first appearance. Haley’s height is quickly and inexplicably apparent. I mean, no one knows Tom Cruise is five feet tall when you see him on screen. Couldn’t they afford platforms or a step stool? The flashbacks only further serve to lessen Freddy’s intimidation factor. He’s less mysterious, less frightening and more pervy and creepy.

In a day and age where we’ve come full circle on the slasher genre, from the early days where Michael Myers, Freddy and Jason were first born to the self-referential fun of the Scream series and back again, Nightmare 2010 is surprisingly humorless. No ones really having a good time, including the audience and Freddy himself. Scream’s killer mocks his victim saying, “You might as well come outside to investigate a strange noise of something.” In this movie, Kris (the Tina role from the original) actually does just that before a rehash of the levitation ceiling kill, albeit without the flair or brutality or visual stylization Craven pulled off 25 years prior. Scares are cheap and obvious. Loud sounds, screeches and Freddy constantly popping up behind or beside characters in a series of lame peekaboo scares.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) is a disappointing from start to finish. It takes everything that set the Elm Street series apart from the standard slasher and pisses it away. The result is a snooze-inducing, run-of-the-mill remake that furthers the argument that more times than not Hollywood should leave well enough alone.

(Score: 1 out of 10)

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In title and premise alone, Hot Tub Time Machine sounds like a turkey or, at best, some lame direct-to-video teen comedy. But if you dig a little deeper, its credentials beg further investigation. Set in the 1980’s, it stars two icons of the decade, John Cusack in the lead and Crispin Glover in a hilarious supporting role. Added to the pitch-perfect mix are The Office’s Craig Robinson and Daily Show’s Rob Corrdy along with comedy star-on-the-rise Clark Duke (Sex Drive, Kick Ass). The icing on the cake is director Steve Pink, a regular collaborator with Cusack and the pen behind High Fidelity and Grosse Point Blank, the latter being one of my top comedy picks of the past two decades.

The premise is just as ridiculous as it sounds. And thankfully, Hot Tub owns its silliness. Three longtime friends, Adam (Cusack), Nick (Robinson) and Lou (Corddry) decide to go on vacation to the Spring Break destination of their youth in desperate attempt to recapture past glories and escape their humdrum, failed adult existence. Adam’s nephew, Jacob (Duke), tags along for the fun. When they arrive, they are greeted by a one-armed bellhop named Phil (Glover) who begrudgingly leads them to their dilapidated room. Seems father time has not been kind to their beloved resort over the past quarter century either. Thankfully a helpful repairman (Chevy Chase) fixes up the hot tub, so the day isn’t a total loss. One thing leads to another and after a night of drinking and debauchery in the suds and bubbles, the boys awaken in 1986.

Taking little shame in overt cultural references, Hot Tub front loads the entrance into the mid ’80s with a colorful kaleidoscope of nostalgia – everything from leg warmers to Walkmans, ALF, Reagan, hair metal and, finally, affirmation as to the current skin color of Michael Jackson. From there the story speeds off and the laughs come rapid fire, ofttimes fast enough that you may miss a line while the audience recovers from the last humdinger. Thankfully, the lewd humor is timeless rather than derived entirely from “We’re in the past” jokes.

Cusack is the ideal connection to the “Me” decade, but the actor leaves the bulk of the humor to his supporting players. Craig Robinson’s Nick is still in love with his wife despite a recent indiscretion and more concerned with fidelity than enjoying the party atmosphere. While sitting in a tub with a bare-breasted and ready party girl (Jessica Pare) atop him, a tearful Nick can only think of his marriage. He later drunk dials the 9-year-old version of his wife. Corddy’s Lou is exactly the opposite, more than ready to hump anything that moves. It is Corrdry, in fact, who is the breakout star of Hot Tub, willing to go to Ferrell-esque lengths for a laugh (Naked? Check. Blowing a Dude? Well, possibly.) and devoid of any moralistic hang-ups or concern of future ramifications. While the rest of the group is worried about avoiding disruption of the space time continuum, Lou could care less. Little by little Corddy runs away with the film and steps to the forefront. He is absolutely hysterical.

Clark Duke has more of a supporting role as the youngest of the group whose only attachment to the ’80s is being born during the decade. He runs into his mom and chases down Chevy Chase for the answers to the Hot Tub Time Machine and getting back to present day. Bellman Phil again surfaces in the ’80s, but this time with two working appendages. At first the inevitable arm loss scene feels like a one-note joke, but Pink and team relentlessly tease the forthcoming brutality, a joke that gets better and better each time it plays.

Hot Tub Time Machine falls just a notch short of last year’s comedy classic, The Hangover, but it’s not far off. A few of the jokes don’t work and the pacing feels a little uneven here and there. Cusack’s romance with Lizzy Kaplan is contrived and unnecessary. That being said, those moments are minor distractions from the fun. Hot Tub is pure escapism and a great time at the movies. Like the comedies of the decade it returns to, it is a balls-to-the-wall Hard-R comedy complete with tasteless humor, nudity and foul, foul language. And thank God. It’s about time we put those pussified, lame-ass PG-13 teen comedies to bed once and for all.

8.0 (out of 10)

Watch Craig Robinson Perform “Jessie’s Girl” at the Hot Tub Time Machine Party!

Quickie Review: Alice in Wonderland

Quickie Review: The Crazies

Quickie Review: The Wolfman

Quickie Review: Crazy Heart

Quickie Review: World’s Greatest Dad

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The first thing you should know about Alice in Wonderland going into the theater is this is not the Alice you’ve known from the past. Not exactly. Tim Burton’s new twist on Alice is indeed based in Lewis Carroll’s imaginative creations from Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, but this is an entirely new sequel of sorts in which we find a 19 year-old Alice (Mia Wasikowski) returning to Wonderland 12 years after her first adventure there. She doesn’t remember the first visit and the inhabitants of this strange land aren’t entirely sure she’s the same Alice.

Burton’s new twisty, trippy take on Carroll’s writings features a motley crew cast list that includes Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter; Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen; Anne Hathaway as the White Queen; Crispin Glover as the Knave of Hearts; Alan Rickman as the Blue Caterpillar; Michael Sheen as the White Rabbit and Stephen Fry as that cat with the infamous shit-eating grin, the Cheshire Cat. It’s hard to imagine a more perfect group to fill this wild world and Tim Burton seems like the ideal choice to bring a live action Alice to the silver screen.

The story first teases Wonderland with a dull opening where the daydreaming Alice is being primped to accept a proposal of marriage from the dorky Lord Ascot (Tim Pigott-Smith). Thankfully, it doesn’t last long. As soon as the Lord gets down on one knee, Alice flees the scene and jumps down a rabbit hole. Wouldn’t hold your breath there, Lord.

The early exploration of Wonderland is colorful, movie magical fun. It’s entertaining to see the director’s take on the world, a sort of Burton-ized version of the iconic imagery from book illustrations and the classic Disney animated film. CG characters abound, as is to be expected these days, but mostly the work is strong enough to avoid distracting you too much from the fantastical world.

Johnny Depp’s turn as Mad Hatter has drawn the biggest anticipation from fans and, now that I’ve seen it, I’m sad to report that it’s pretty underwhelming. Much like the crazy smiling lunatic Depp already played in Charlie in the Chocalate Factory, the Hatter is weird for weird’s sake. And that’s not to say that is always necessarily a bad thing, but here it just feels like déjà vu. My favorite performance by far is Bonham Carter as the crater-headed Red Queen. The actress really dives into the character, ahem, head first. It looks like she had a blast in the role and her energy really shines through. From the voice to the facial expressions, Bonham Carter really puts her own mark on the role, out-crazying even Depp, shocking as that may be. And as excited as I was to hear Crispin Glover would be joining the cast list, he’s kinda so-so as well. There’s only so many times you can see Glover’s creepy look before it gets more than a little tiresome. Dare I say he needed to be even weirder?

And what about Alice? Well, she’s the least interesting part of this story. Washikowski is perfectly okay in the role, but a little flat and one-dimensional at times. Either way, Burton’s focus was clearly never on Alice, so it’s hard to blame the young actress. She’s in a pretty unenviable position.

It’s kind of hard to figure why Burton and co. felt the need to offer their own interpretation on such a beloved work. It’s an ill-advised move that rarely leads positive result. While Burton and screenwriter Linda Wollverton’s script is competent enough and holds interest through most of the story, it often feels a little short-sighted and unclear, especially as the movie draws towards an unnecessary climax. At best, this new Alice is uneven. The pacing is all over the map and the laughs are almost always followed by gags that land with a sound thud. Burton may be a good director and Wolverton, who also penned The Lion King, is a good screenwriter, but neither is the storyteller Lewis Carroll was.

As much as the world of Wonderland seems perfectly-suited to 3-D, it really adds nothing at all to the movie. Of course, Alice wasn’t actually filmed in 3-D and the post work feels haphazard at best. It isn’t terribly immersive and the image is darkened by the glasses, giving viewers the feeling of wearing sunglasses throughout the movie. I tipped my glasses up more than once to see the brighter, more colorful Alice originally intended.

Tim Burton is the master of weird material, but it almost seems as Alice was just a bit too obvious for him. Did he get bored in Wonderland? It kinda seems that way by the end, which feels more than a little phoned in. The end result is a movie that is decently enjoyable escapism, but entirely forgettable in the long run.

Quickie Score: 6.5 (out of 10)

Quickie Review: The Crazies

Quickie Review: The Wolfman

Quickie Review: Crazy Heart

Quickie Review: World’s Greatest Dad

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The Crazies takes place in the fictional small town of Ogden Marsh, Iowa. When a disease starts to take hold of the residents that causes them to go stark-raving mad and homicidal, Sheriff Dutton (Timothy Olyphant), his wife, Dr. Judy Dutton (Radha Mitchell), the Deputee Clank (Joe Anderson) and local gal Becca Darling (Danielle Panabaker) band together to try to escape the infected and the military. Directed by Breck Eisner (Sahara), Crazies is a remake of a little known 1973 low budget George Romero flick.

Crazies could easily have been another run-of-the-mill remake like so many that have come before it. But thanks to a strong, smart script by Ray Wright and Scott Kosar and the focused directing effort by Breck Eisner, Crazies is less Amityville Horror and more Dawn of the Dead. While it doesn’t quite rise to the level of Zack Snyder’s early career calling card, it’s is entertaining from start to finish, with more than a few scares and a couple of sequences that should get you shifting in your seat. Without spoiling the moment, there is a scene involving a knife and a hand that gives M. Emmet Walsh’s Blood Simple scene a run for the money.

The cast is generally strong from start to finish. Olyphant works in the lead, though it’s debatable whether he will really be able to make the transition to feature leading man. His performance is a bit dull at times, and though Radha Mitchell is generally also good, you route for them to survive simply because they are the heroes of the movie, not because they have any particular chemistry or winning personalities. Anderson is better early on, but overacts a bit as shit hits the fan. Panabaker is fine, essentially playing much the same role she did in Friday the 13th.

The intensity builds nicely and it doesn’t make you wait very long for the good stuff. It plays down the typical message-laden Romero material, yet still retains the truly frightening aspect of the story, basically that the military’s tactics for containment of an outbreak doesn’t seem that far-fetched. The choice was made early on to lose the military perspective of the original, which serves the story well and succeeds in placing the audience in much the same position as the characters, figuring out what’s happening as the story moves along.

Where Crazies really succeeds is as a well made popcorn thriller. It may not be a masterpiece, but it’s better than 99 perfect of the similar genre material that oozes its way into theaters. You get the feeling that Eisner and co. actually thought beyond the opening weekend, hoping to convince audiences that might not normally see a movie like this to give something different a chance. It’s escapism without being stupid, capable of taking the audience on a ride while still giving them something to talk about on the drive home.

Quickie Score: 7.5 (out of 10)

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Set Visit on Dark Horizons

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Can you remember the most bizarre nightmare you’ve ever had? I’d be willing to bet it’s nothing compared to the 1977 head trip by Japanese filmmaker Nobuhiko Obayashi. Hausu is like nothing you’ve ever seen before on screen. That’s not to say it’s a great movie. Hell, it might not even be good, but it’s certainly incredibly original. It beats to its own drummer, filled to the brim with imagery you’ve definitely never seen before. If you have, you might want to seek professional treatment.

Plenty of films throughout the years have been called “nightmarish” but never has the statement been more true than in the case of Hausu. Having never done hard drugs, I can’t say for sure that this is what it’s like, but I’d have to imagine this film will get you as close to the feelings of a mind-altering substance as possible without actually ingesting a thing.

Sure, Hausu is cheesy. The music, the dreamy slow-mo, the horrendous dialogue. But it all seems to serve the purpose of the film’s overall intent to draw you into its dreamlike, alternative existence. As a cult movie, Hausu could practically be called a masterpiece. And even haters should find a moment here or there to appreciate. Hausu is definitely worth your 82 minutes. Just make sure you don’t see it alone. Not because it’s scary, but because you need someone next to you to turn to when you see the severed head bite another girl’s posterior and when the severed fingers play piano and when the naked girl evaporates underwater and when… Oh, just go see it!

Quickie Score: 7 (out of 10)

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Critics lambasted Wolf, the 1994 campy Jack Nicholson werewolf flick directed by Mike Nichols. And while that film is far from great, at least it had a sense of humor about itself. It had Jack pissing all over James Spader’s shoes and saying, “I’m just marking my territory.”

Wolfman, directed by Joe Johnston (Rocketeer, October Sky), fails primarily because it takes itself entirely too seriously. Benicio Del Toro is an interesting choice as Lawrence Talbot, but his constant grimace wears thin pretty early on. It’s a monster movie. Lighten up a little, sheesh. He also looks like he hasn’t slept in about a month. Later in the movie that might make sense, but why the pale face and saddlebag eyes when the story has barely begun?

For some odd reason, Joe Johnston decided to take every bit of subtlety out of the original horror classic and make Wolfman into more of a slasher flick than a monster movie. Wolfman moves like a locomotive and kills like Jason Voorhees, slashing throats, de-limbing, beheading and gutting with repulsive efficiency. There are enough scenes of blood puddles, body parts and innards strewn across the ground to make even the most seasoned slaughterhouse clean-up crew feel a bit queasy. And full moon shots. There are about 59 of them in this movie. Yes, clouds over a full moon looks cool, but come on. We get it. Full moon means the werewolf cometh. Stop hitting me over the head with it.

Anthony Hopkins hams it up as daddy Talbot, but Hannibal Lector he ain’t. He’s neither particularly amusing nor is he scary as the big bad villain of the film. Emily Blunt is perfectly fine as “the girl” and she looks great in the period garb, but she also remains stiff as a board throughout, even as she locks lips with Lawrence. Can we get a little human emotional range here, please?

Effects are crucial in this kind of movie and, while Wolfman’s work is far from terrible, it’s also decisively mediocre. This comes as quite a surprise considering the involvement of Rick Baker. The look of the Wolfman himself isn’t bad and the transition scenes are decent, but still pale in comparison to Baker’s work 29 years ago on American Werewolf in London. I know this isn’t entirely Baker’s fault since the digital portions were not his handiwork, but it does seem odd to find fewer flaws with the FX work in a movie nearly three decades older.

I didn’t particularly care for the Mummy series, but at least they had the good sense to poke some fun at themselves and have a laugh at the silliness of it all. Wofman just doesn’t know what it wants to be. Is it a monster movie, a slasher movie, a period piece? It’s certainly not scary and the acting is nothing to write home about. Mostly it’s just an utterly forgettable mess. For those hoping for a return to Universal’s classic monster movies of days gone past, I guess we can keep our fingers crossed for Creature From the Black Lagoon.

Quickie Score: 2.5 (out of 10)

Quickie Review: Crazy Heart

Quickie Review: World’s Greatest Dad

Quickie Review of Youth in Revolt

Quickie Review of The Maid

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I know I’m behind the times on this one, but I finally got around to seeing Crazy Heart tonight. Great movie and deserving of all the accolades it’s receiving. Bridges is truly perfect as Bad Blake, looking something like a cross between Kris Kirstofferson and, well, The Dude.

Colin Farrell is also excellent in a smaller role as Tommy Sweet, the reigning country superstar that was mentored by Blake. It’s one of his most reserved performances by Farrell to date, not to mention showcasing a pretty good singing voice and his best American accent yet, even in song. Maggie Gyllenhaal, who’s an actress I can sometimes take and sometimes not, is reserved as well and her bond with Bridges feels natural.

For my money, anything short of an Oscar for Bridges would be a sin. I’d also call it the best movie of 2009.

Quickie Score: 9 (out of 10)

Quickie Review: World’s Greatest Dad

Quickie Review of Youth in Revolt

Quickie Review of The Maid

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It’s always exciting to discover a movie completely out of the blue, especially when you see as many movies as I do. I’d never even heard of World’s Greatest Dad when it popped up as an instant streaming new release on Netflix this week. I figured, what the heck, I’ve liked Bobcat Goldthwait’s work in the past, might as well give this one a shot. That’s the beauty of the Netflix streaming. You don’t like it, you just stop it and stream something else (that was a non-affiliated shill).

Robin Williams plays the hapless Lance Clayton, a struggling writer and single father. He teaches to support his struggling writing career and his ungrateful, crude, hellishly behaved son (Daryl Sabara from the Spy Kids movies). He tries to be a good dad, but this kid is hopeless. One day Lance comes home to find his son has accidentally killed himself in a pretty embarrassing manner. Desperate to preserve a last shred of dignity for himself and, to a lesser extent, his son, Lance makes the death look like a suicide and writes an accompanying suicide note. Turns out, the note might be the best thing Lance has ever written. His son gains a posthumous notoriety, ultimately leading Lance to follow the note with a journal of his son’s teenage angst (that Lance also wrote). Lance has finally received recognition for his talents as a writer, albeit in a very backdoor manner. He’s gotten the girl and his jerk son is a Kurt Cobain-esque anti-hero. Needless to say, poor old Lance keeps sinking himself deeper and deeper.

Bobcat Goldthwait is sort of a diamond in the indie cinema rough. While I wouldn’t go so far as to compare him with the likes of Sayles of Jarmusch, he does what he does well and has carved out an interesting niche in the dark, dark comedy genre (we’ll call it the F’d Up Comedy Genre). While most people simply remember Bobcat as that ’80s guy with the crazy voice from the Police Academy movies, Zed, Bobcat has had a pretty successful career as a stand-up and occasional director. His directorial efforts are geared towards a very particular taste (dark comedic surrealism, warts and all). His debut, Shakes the Clown, a personal favorite, is the story of an alcoholic clown wanted for murder amidst a seedy alternative underworld where clowns battle mimes in the streets like Bloods and Crypts. Just to give you an idea of what you’re in for in a Bobcat comedy, Shakes opens with Bobcat (as Shakes the Clown) hung over in a bathroom floor getting pissed on by the son of the woman he just banged the night before, Mrs. Brady (Florence Henderson). Cinematic brilliance if I do say so myself.

Like Shakes, World’s Greatest Dad might not be for every taste. For instance, if you loved Paul Blart: Mall Cop and The Proposal, well then, I’m afraid this might not be your cup of tea. Dad is unapologetically original, deeply disturbed and funny as hell. It’s the kind of flick that makes you laugh and feel like maybe you shouldn’t be chuckling quite so hard. Well you shouldn’t, you sick bastard. Robin Williams is terrific, proving that even after years of hacky comedies he can still channel that greatness of his heydey when he so chooses. Check this one out and let me know what you think. You can find it on Amazon and Netflix and wherever else F’D up comedies are sold.

Quickie Score: 8.0 (out of 10)

Quickie Movie Review of Youth in Revolt

Quickie Movie Review of The Maid

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This is why people hate indie/foreign cinema. Now, before you come after me with the flaming pitchforks, I’m not one to pick on the little guys. Not usually. Hell, with the way blockbuster cinema has taken control of the industry in the past decade, I’ve retreated to the art houses as much as anyone. But this movie was excruciating to sit through. A 95 percent on Rotten Tomatoes? Sorry, guess I missed something.

While I definitely don’t believe all movies have to be happy-go-lucky all the time (see my comments on The Road below), sitting through The Maid was a challenge. It starts off well enough but goes absolutely nowhere. From quirky and a little sad at the start to just plain pathetic. Once I started hating the main character, the whole thing was out the window. This movie is pretentious and weird for weird’s sake. It feels like director Sebastian Silva is just trying to make you uncomfortable for lack of a story or point. Being different alone does not make for good cinema. And I fear a movie like this will send art house newbies running for Michael Bay rattles and booms faster than you can say kaboom.

Quickie Score: 2.5 (out of 10)

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